Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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