So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
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Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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