I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
