my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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