just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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