I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
