And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
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When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
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I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?