We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
