Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
