my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
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No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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