need another drink. this is the easiest way
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.