they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Someone shattered a urinal.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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