Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
smell my finger.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
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I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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