I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
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Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you