ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
