my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
love makes seman taste better
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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