forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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