How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
