You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
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It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
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Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I can feel your judgement through the phone