Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.