I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
