I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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