Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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