i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
