Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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