I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.