The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
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Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
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I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.