yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.