Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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