Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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