I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
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My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
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The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize