i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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