I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
