laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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