My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed