He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
