oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen