The best revenge is premature balding
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
organizing the empties. That sober.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.