the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!