I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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