I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
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He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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