I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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