My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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