I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
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She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize