So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
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The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
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I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?