I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
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She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.