the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
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I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
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You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that