just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.