I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
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i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue