I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize