Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
