my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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