this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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