Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
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i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
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You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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