I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I pour the whiskey from now on
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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