Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
