I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
