i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
